


A Miracle of Mutual Pressures

by stellahibernis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky doubts the potential of the ploy, Fake Dating, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve needs to work less and live a little, some other characters make cameos, they're all Avengers again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 08:55:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis/pseuds/stellahibernis
Summary: “Let me get this straight,” Kate says, “you went to the trouble of creating a romantic dinner to confess your feelings for Steve, and he didn’t realize what it was about?”Peter lets himself down from where he’s been lying on a beam, hanging on his toes. “Maybe you were too subtle? I mean, everyone knows you cook for him all the time anyway.”Bucky rolls his head against his knees for denial. “There were candles. He just thought they were for my headache, you know, softer lighting.”“Here’s what you’re going to do,” Kate says, and Bucky immediately dreads what is coming.





	A Miracle of Mutual Pressures

There are days, quite a lot of them in fact, when Bucky isn’t really sure of how he’s ended up where he is now. Logically he can follow the progression, from Brooklyn to war to HYDRA, from DC to Bucharest to Siberia to Wakanda. To the Avengers compound upstate New York, where he now lives. It has taken a lot of effort from scientists and doctors to make sure he’s no longer under anyone’s spell, a lot of awkward apologies to and by a lot of people to repair rifts in a team that now has adopted Bucky as it has so many others, and an honest to god alien invasion.

Every day he thinks at least for a moment that he’s living in one of the science fiction stories he liked to read.

He can follow his history, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s here, that Steve is here, through and despite all that has happened to them, defies belief. It regularly takes him some convincing to accept it is all real.

It has taken him time to adjust to not being hunted, and to not being in danger of losing himself again. He knows that there are a lot of people who don’t like his freedom, don’t like that he’s an Avenger, but he’s learning to live with the knowledge as well. What matters to him is that his team members aren’t jittery to have him at their back with a big sniper rifle. It’s trust enough for him.

That Steve sometimes falls asleep on his couch, exhausted after a long day of work, without Bucky’s presence disturbing him, is more than enough.

It’s not the same as it used to be between the two of them, it can’t be, but they’re still them, they’re still Bucky and Steve, and they fit together as well as they ever did. They’ve changed but somehow their changes mean they still align with each other instead of being pulled apart. Bucky would think of it as a chance, an accident, but Sam, being annoyingly smart, has pointed out that more than likely it’s just because they want to be friends, want to make it work. After all there’s enough stubborn in both of them for it to happen.

So they’re not the same, but they’re not exactly friends like they used to be. There’s a new undercurrent to it now.

Bucky thinks it’s gratitude at first, which is maybe understandable, considering how the fact that Steve has stuck with him throughout still constricts his chest. Yet, a dream one night, after he wakes up hard and panting, makes him really look into it.

It’s not gratitude, even if there is that too, the same as there is friendship, loyalty, and trust. Truth is, Bucky is in love with Steve, and it completely blindsides him, because he never was before.

Back in Brooklyn Bucky sometimes thought that Steve liked him too much, liked him the dangerous way. It had been there in the way Steve sometimes looked at him, when he forgot to hide it. It had never made Bucky uncomfortable or driven him to try to avoid Steve, even though he knows that would have been the advice from most of his other friends if they had known. It was Steve, and Bucky loved him, he well knew it. He just wasn’t in love with Steve, and sometimes he’d been a bit sad about it, sad that Steve felt something that wouldn’t lead to anything. At the same time, he never got the feeling that Steve thought their friendship wasn’t enough, so he figured it would be okay.

And funnily enough, it was during the war of all things, when it had looked like if only they made it through, there’d be something happier on the other side. Bucky had seen the potential, even when most days it had been hard to believe in anything, hard to see anything but death in front of him. How right he had been. 

After the first flash of jealousy, after Bucky had adjusted to Steve looking at someone else, he’d been happy to see what developed between Steve and Peggy. There had no longer been the unrequited longing in Steve’s eyes when he looked at Bucky, just the steadfast friendship. Bucky had been thrilled about it then, before it all had fallen to ashes.

Now, after decades, he’s in love with Steve, and he can’t help but wonder if they have completely missed each other on that front. If they have, Bucky will swallow it down and he’ll be happy with their friendship, because it’s still true that it’s more than enough, even when he yearns for something else too.

After his epiphany, Bucky observes Steve more closely, trying to determine if there could be something mutual. It’s a bit of a daunting task, because Steve works so much these days, as a leader of the Avengers he has to deal with a lot more than the rest of the team, and so there aren’t a lot of opportunities for them to just be. Not a lot of opportunities for Steve to relax enough to let his feelings out. A lot of the time he’s just plain exhausted, and on those moments everything becomes muddled.

Still, the happy noises Steve makes after Bucky halfway bullies him into getting a head rub after the accumulating stress is enough to cause headache even to a super soldier indicate at least something. Steve leans into him, pushes against the metal fingers in his hair like a contented cat, and ends up falling asleep with his head pillowed on Bucky’s thigh. Somehow it’s not awkward even after Steve wakes up, the lines cleared off his brow. Steve cups Bucky’s neck, rests their foreheads together for a moment and thanks him, voice quiet and fond.

Bucky is good at reading people these days, and he’s fairly certain that it’s not just him, that they’re at least toeing at the line between friendship and something else.

***

The Winter Soldier was nothing if not efficient, and while Bucky has since regained himself, it doesn’t mean he’s dropped all the instincts he was trained into. He can’t. He used to take the most direct route he was allowed within the mission parameters, and that’s still what he intends to do, for all that he isn’t aiming for a kill anymore and makes all the decisions for himself. There are a lot less filters between thought and action these days for him than there used to be when he lived in Brooklyn, conscious of appearances and caring what they said about him, and it’s one of the reasons why he keeps himself strictly in check. He can’t generally afford things to go wrong.

In this case, either Steve will reciprocate his feelings, and they take it on from there, or he won’t, and they move down another path. Bucky is sure Steve won’t hold it against him even if it’s not mutual, sure that they can still stay friends, so the stakes aren’t too high to just go for it. It’s all simple enough, in theory.

Bucky decides to go about it in a traditional way, by making a dinner. It’s not exactly rare for him to cook for Steve, considering their apartments are right next to each other at the compound so that they practically live together anyway, and that Steve’s work hours are extreme. Someone has to make sure he eats, and there’s only so much time one can spend at the firing range and gym, so Bucky has plenty of opportunities.

He makes a stew; not the most traditionally romantic dish but one that isn’t exactly time sensitive. It’ll keep on low simmer for a long time even if Steve happens to run late, the flavors just getting richer. Bucky lays the table, lights the candles, dresses into a neat shirt and smooths his hair to the back.

Steve is only half an hour later than he said he’d be, and the even rougher than normal week has left its mark. They’ve been reviewing the superhuman policies again, and Steve has not only done his normal job, but spent a lot of time on video calls to Europe and Wakanda, always on their time rather than his. He blinks blearily at Bucky, who for a second thinks maybe he should have done this some other time, considering Steve seems tired enough to fall asleep right in the middle of the dinner. Maybe dropping something on his head in this state isn’t exactly playing fair.

“Were you going somewhere? Sorry if I kept you,” Steve says, which isn’t anything like Bucky expected to hear from him.

“What? No, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Just, you’re dressed up.”

“Only for you.” Bucky smiles and gestures toward the table.

***

“Let me get this straight,” Kate says, “you went to the trouble of creating a romantic dinner to confess your feelings for Steve, and he didn’t realize what it was about?”

From the ceiling Peter lets out a distinctly impressed, “Oh man.”

Bucky leans his forehead to his knees, having to admit it is pretty impressive how unexpectedly it all went. “Yeah. But he was really tired, you know the kind of week he had. He’s still probably sleeping and it’s been fourteen hours.”

Peter lets himself down from where he’s been lying on a beam, hanging on his toes. “Maybe you were too subtle? I mean, everyone knows you cook for him all the time anyway.”

Bucky rolls his head against his knees for denial. “There were candles. He just thought they were for my headache, you know, softer lighting.”

He can practically feel Kate and Peter looking at each other, trying to find something to say that would be reassuring.

It hadn’t gone at all like Bucky had envisioned, even though he had constructed several scenarios in his head beforehand. Steve had acted as if to him it was just another night, that everything that was different from usual had an explanation that was something other than a romantic gesture. He’d complimented the stew, eaten two big portions even when he’d been yawning the whole time, and that had been it, he’d gone to bed soon afterward.

Bucky had just frozen, inside. Apparently his Winter Soldier instincts didn’t cover everything, because as soon as it had been clear Steve didn’t get it, he hadn’t corrected the course of the evening. He hadn’t said anything, had just acted like it was any other night, and it had even been nice and domestic, same as ever. It’s only now, the next morning, that it feels strange to be exactly at the same place in his relationship with Steve that he was before the dinner, after making an effort to change it.

There is the niggling thought that maybe Steve did understand after all, and just acted as if he didn’t, to not have to let Bucky down. He can’t help but consider it, even when it’s not at all like Steve, not to mention he’s a bad actor in general and even worse when tired or surprised, and he hadn’t seemed tense at all. Bucky is mostly sure that Steve just didn’t realize, which isn’t exactly a consolation.

Bucky tossed and turned during the night, only sleeping in fits, and he’d come to the gym at an early hour, worked himself to exhaustion, and then collapsed into corner where Kate found him a couple of hours later and decided he seemed troubled, not that it wasn’t obvious. She’s been poking her nose into everyone’s business since she invited herself to become an Avenger, and while Bucky gets she means well and understands her obvious desire to prove herself, he doesn’t always know what to do about it. The spider-kid, who’s somewhat less of a kid these days since Bucky lost years in the ice and due to the alien invasion, turned up soon after, and Bucky ended up spilling his troubles to them as if he’d never been trained into a covert agent.

They’re not exactly his first choice for confidants. That would be Steve in general, and in matters concerning Steve, like this time, it would be Natasha, but she’s on a mission, and Bucky’s definitely not going to call. She would tease him over it, but she would also give him advice, and he isn’t quite sure he’s ready yet for her brand of advice, because it tends to be rather too much to the point. The other possibility would be Sam. He’d be a good choice, since he knows Steve better than anyone outside of Bucky, but he’d also be completely merciless about it if Bucky asked. Bucky isn’t sure whether he thinks it’s unfortunate or not that Sam is on the same mission with Natasha, and hence unavailable for talks.

“Here’s what you’re going to do,” Kate says, and Bucky immediately dreads what is coming. “He wondered if you were going out, right? So maybe do that. See other people.”

The suggestion is so out of left field that it takes Bucky a moment to even parse it, and immediately after he wants to just explode over it.

“So you’re saying I should just give up?” He’s actually surprised he manages to keep his tone even.

Even the idea is unpleasant, not to mention unrealistic, because Bucky doesn’t want to even consider anyone else. It’s not some infatuation Bucky feels; it’s deep and real. It won’t go away just like that.

Kate waves her hand. “No, of course not. Just, since he didn’t recognize a normal romantic gesture, raise the stakes, make it look like you’re slipping away.”

“That only works if he cares about me,” Bucky says, and Kate gives him a withering look that shuts him up.

“It’ll totally work, just go out with someone, and he’ll pop up at the restaurant or wherever in no time, with an urgent confession,” Peter pipes from the ceiling.

The whole suggestion feels ludicrous, and yet, Bucky finds himself considering it, even when he can’t actually picture it in his head, Steve rushing in to interrupt his date with someone else.

“Okay one, wouldn’t it be an extremely unfair thing to do to the person I’d be going on a date with, since I wouldn’t be in it for real? And two, this whole thing sounds like straight out of those romantic comedies Scott likes to watch in secret, and they’re not at all realistic.”

“Sounds like you’ve been watching a fair bit of them too,” Kate says. “And it won’t be unfair if the other person knows it’s not actually a date. You could go out for dinner or movies, make some new friends and conveniently forget to specify when telling about it to Steve that they’re not dates.”

Bucky is quiet for a long while, before getting up to finally head for shower. “I can’t believe I’m actually considering this.”

“Great, I’ll find you some not-dates.”

Kate is gone in a second, heading for the archery range, and Peter leaves through the window near ceiling after Bucky ignores his hand extended down for a high five. Bucky takes a long shower, and decides to push it all away for now, and to just be Steve’s friend. Since it actually is Steve’s day off, he’ll make pancakes for breakfast once he wakes up, and Bucky wouldn’t miss it for anything.

***

A few days later Kate finds him at the firing range, and gives him a phone number and the name Lillian, saying she works at the accounting department at Stark Industries. Apparently she is recovering from a breakup and only wants a nice evening with good food without worrying about anyone harassing her. Bucky can do that.

Technically, he doesn’t even lie to Steve. He just doesn’t correct the wrong assumptions. He brings it up in the morning of the not-date, when he has breakfast with Steve as they usually do if Steve happens to have time for a real breakfast instead of grabbing something to eat at the office.

“You’re going to have to get dinner by yourself, I’m going out in the evening with Lillian, she works at accounting at Stark’s.”

Steve’s face does something complicated, but in a split second it’s gone and he smiles. “I know her, she’s very efficient at her job. Nat once suggested I’d go out with her back when she was intent on trying to set me up, but nothing ever happened, so you don’t have to worry about it being weird.”

It would be weird indeed if Steve had gone out with her, and even now it’s kind of a weird coincidence. “So why didn’t you?”

“Well, for one, Nat brought it up while we were dropping Sitwell from the roof so he’d tell us about Insight. And after that, well, you know. Didn’t really think about dating. Anyway, I’m glad you’re going out, it’s not good to stick to the compound all the time and only leave because of missions or other Avengers things.”

“Pot, kettle,” Bucky says, and Steve smiles a bit sheepishly, not really having a counter point, since he’s been reading files on his tablet all through the meal.

***

The next morning at breakfast Steve asks him how it went, and just hums when Bucky answers as noncommittally as possible. He doesn’t look at Bucky at all during the discussion, which makes it rather obvious that Steve’s not exactly comfortable with the topic, despite being supportive and asking. Still, there’s nothing else for it. Everything stays the same.

Kate corners Bucky a few days later to hear how it all went, and gets the thoughtful gleam in the eye again as Bucky explains.

“Maybe we should raise the stakes again,” she says, and runs off before Bucky has time to ask what she means.

The number he gets a week later is for a guy named Josh, and Bucky gets it’ll have the benefit of making it obvious that the fact Steve is a man isn’t going to be an obstacle. Steve actually does a double take when Bucky tells him, but he still doesn’t say anything. Bucky wishes he would, because he’s all the more sure that Steve does indeed have some sort of feelings for him, and usually Steve isn’t afraid of going for what he wants, case in point the five rejection slips from enlistment centers before he caught Erskine’s eye. It makes Bucky think that maybe there’s some kind of complication, maybe Steve doesn’t want him after all, for all that it looks like he might. And that again makes Bucky stall even though he’d almost worked up to talking to Steve for real.

In the end he doesn’t say anything, and goes on the not-date, which is very much an uncomfortable affair, because apparently Josh even after getting the memo that it wasn’t going to lead to anything still thought it would, so Bucky ends up leaving early enough to catch Steve awake.

Steve doesn’t quite manage to hide the relief when Bucky says it didn’t work with Josh without specifying why, and Bucky is all the more confused.

***

_ What are you doing, _ is the message Bucky receives from Natasha in the middle of the night, and the lack of correct punctuation makes him think she’s not asking for him to tell her, but is inviting him to examine his behavior.

Bucky entertains the notion that she’s not asking about what’s occupying the biggest part of his mind these days, but he knows Natasha. Still, he answers,  _ Was trying to sleep, _ just because.

_ You know I meant about Steve, _ is the reply, and Bucky doesn’t text back, because he’s not at all inclined to hash it out like this. Still, it’s telling that she chose to ask, and she definitely knows that Bucky will draw a conclusion from her getting into it.

Steve must have spoken to her, meaning he is bothered. 

***

A week later Kate gives Bucky a number to a woman named Allison, and Bucky questions her fairly thoroughly on whether she’s sure that this isn’t going to be like Josh.

“I’m sure, she’s not interested in romantic relationships at all,” Kate says.

Despite his apprehensions, Bucky sets up a dinner, and this time Steve asks, “Where are you taking her?”

It’s a lot more specific interest than anything Steve has displayed before, so Bucky tells him, even when he finds it unlikely that Steve would barge in and interrupt their perceived date. Which he doesn’t, and Bucky is not disappointed really. Turns out he really hits it off with Allison, and since they’re both very adamant it’s going to be just a friendship, it’s easy to relax. Her sense of humor appeals to him, and he finds himself even explaining what this is all about, to her considerable amusement.

If he gets nothing else from this, he has made a new friend, and it’s worth a lot, because he really doesn’t have many of those. There literally isn’t anyone else that isn’t an Avenger, which is pretty sad, if he lets himself think about it.

Steve still says nothing, and their relationship to an outsider probably looks the same as ever. It feels different though; there is tension now, and Bucky is halfway sure it’s not just in his head, not just because he’s anticipating a change that so far has been reluctant to arrive.

***

A few days later Wanda is curled up on Steve’s couch due to an injury she picked up during the latest mission. She doesn’t like to spend recovery time alone, and since Vision is out at some kind of a conference, her choice is easy. She’s been close to Steve ever since she joined the Avengers, and it’s not nearly the first time that she spends her recovery time there. Bucky is the one keeping her company though, since Steve is unsurprisingly at the office again, making sure post-mission protocols are observed.

“I think you’d do better with Steve if you just told him,” she says, as a non sequitur to their previous conversation.

Bucky sighs. “So you know about it too.”

“Of course I do. And I’m just saying.”

“But?”

“But I think if you could, you would talk. So I guess you have to do the best you can.”

“It’s weird. I’m just stalling. And I’m not sure about this thing,” Bucky confesses to her. “I mean, Steve just takes it, he hasn’t said anything.”

“Right, yeah. It’s the kind of thing where I’m not really sure how he’d react. Maybe try one more thing if you have to, and then come up with something else.”

“So you have a suggestion?”

“Second date,” she says promptly. “Make it look like it’s a bit more serious.”

Bucky thinks about it for a moment, and has to admit it makes sense, kind of. “Guess I’ll ask Allison, not like it’s going to be a hardship.”

Steve comes home at a pretty much normal time that night, and after they’ve seen Wanda back to her room, Bucky and Steve just sit for a while and watch baseball. Steve is only half watching, tapping his tablet at the same time, his email app open.

“We don’t see each other that often these days,” Bucky says as the game ends, and he’s looking closely enough to see Steve suppress a wince before looking up.

“I know, I’m sorry. I know this job takes a lot of my time and that I’m not exactly fun these days, but someone has to do it.”

“Yeah.” Bucky gets up to take away his tea mug and ruffles Steve’s hair as he goes. Steve leans into the touch. “You’re fine as you are, I’m just worried you’re running a practical experiment on whether super soldiers can get burnout.”

***

Bucky makes a movie not-date with Allison, and when he tells Steve in the morning there’s momentarily something brittle in his eyes. Bucky almost tells him then and there, but doesn’t, the words get stuck in his throat.

“Second date. Guess you really liked her.”

“I do like her.” Bucky looks right into Steve’s eyes as he says it. It’s not a lie after all.

Steve leaves a moment later, the line of his shoulders tired.

***

That afternoon Bucky comes back from the gym where he was teaching hand-to-hand to the younger Avengers, and finds Natasha sitting at his kitchen table typing her mission report.

“Spill,” she says as soon as he enters, and Bucky does, all about the dinner where Steve didn’t get what it was about and the consequences. At the end of it she looks like she can’t decide whether to bang her head on the table or laugh at him.

“I know,” Bucky tells her, because he does know it’s fairly ridiculous, he’s been unsure of this thing he’s fallen into the whole time, ever since Kate brought it up.

“Right, okay, I’m going to give you some advice straight up, because I’ve been up for forty-five hours already and want my bed. I’ll mock you about this when I’ve slept, so you’ll actually have a chance to at least make it right before that. You know he feels the same way?”

Bucky blinks, because this certainly is right to the point. “I—”

“Well, he does. And this ploy was never going to work, because you know him, he’s the champion of waiting too long in the matters of heart. It’s weird, because he’ll just go at everything else, but this is where he hesitates. And it’s worse the more he likes the person.”

It clicks then for Bucky, because of course. He remembers ribbing Steve during the war over his hesitation to go for it with Peggy, since she clearly was a sure thing. Steve had adamantly decided to wait until the war was over, and everyone knows how that one played out. The response is different from how Steve is with most of the things, and Bucky gets why he didn’t think about it, but it still feels like he should have.

“You’re going to have to just tell him, and I know you tried, but I also know it’s worth more to you than giving up after just one try,” Natasha continues. “Also, I know he always has reasons in his head why he shouldn’t go for it, and now it’s his busy schedule. He thinks he wouldn’t be able to devote as much time to a relationship as he would want to if he were to enter one. But really, it would only be a matter of organization, he actually doesn’t have to do it all by himself. In the beginning he probably needed to be there a lot more, but now the procedures are sorted out and a lot of it is repeating things that he could just delegate to others. That would leave just the major things for him, and free a big chunk of his time.”

She bumps his hip as she leaves, and Bucky resolves to talk to Steve over the weekend. He’s still going out with Allison, she is his friend after all, and he’s not going to change his plans with her on short notice, even though she might understand.

***

Bucky comes back late after the movie, anticipation thrumming in him, but he decides to sleep on it before talking to Steve. At least the next day is Saturday, and unless they get called out Steve has all day free.

It takes him a moment to figure out what’s wrong in his living room, but when he spots the clear corner on the coffee table his stomach twists, both with fear and frustration. The corner up until now has been cluttered with Steve’s drawing things, sketchbooks and pencils. The light in Bucky’s living room is just a bit better than in Steve’s, and since they use each other’s spaces pretty much interchangeably, it’s no wonder one of the chairs is fairly exclusively used by Steve for sketching whenever he has time.

Now Steve’s things are gone, and Bucky can’t help but think that something has permanently changed, that maybe this ridiculous fake dating ploy pushed something to a breaking point, and he doesn’t know what the recovery will look like. Still, it’s the irritation that comes up on top, he doesn’t even know if it’s at himself or Steve or just in general, but he turns on his heels and marches to Steve’s rooms. 

Steve has clearly been in the process of getting to sleep, but he seems to have stalled, sitting on the edge of the bed in boxers and tank top, staring at the pile of his art supplies on top of the dresser. His hair stands up in a way that says he’s been running his hand through it, and there are dark shadows under his eyes as he turns to look at Bucky who barrels in without hesitation.

Bucky gestures at the sketchbooks. “Why?”

Steve rubs at his temples, hunches his shoulders. “I figured that since you’re looking like getting more serious with Allison, it would be fair to give you space. If you want to bring her over, I’m not sure it’ll be good if it looks like I live in your space.”

“It looks like that because you do,” Bucky nearly shouts, and forces himself to continue with a calmer tone. “Because I want you to. And it’s not like that with her, I only care about you.”

Steve’s eyes go huge with the confession out there, but the topmost feeling is clearly confusion. Now that it’s time to come clean, the uneasy feeling Bucky’s had since the beginning solidifies, he now knows it’s been in anticipation of this moment, and it’s not exactly fun. Still, the hesitation he’s felt over the last few weeks is gone, and he just tells Steve everything about how he conveniently didn’t specify what he was doing.

“Isn’t that kind of unfair toward the other people though?”

It’s exactly the question Bucky expected, and he’s glad he’s coming out well on that at least. “They knew what it was about, so no. It was strictly friends, and Allison has really become one, I’m going to keep hanging out with her. And she’d like to meet you too, she’s had too much fun with all this. You could take her to some art museum, she’d like to go but it’s not really my scene.”

“You made a pretty decent effort once upon a time, you should definitely come too.” Steve smiles and Bucky thinks they might make it out of this okay. “And I’m glad you’re finding friends that are not Avengers.”

“Unlike you.”

“We send cat videos to each other with Helen Cho when we’re stressed in office, I think that counts. Are you trying to distract me from what you said before, though?”

“No. We just got sidetracked, I don’t want to distract you.”

“What I don’t get is, why didn’t you just tell me, why such a convoluted thing?”

Now they’re getting to it. Bucky squares his shoulders and looks Steve right in the eyes. “I tried. I made a nice dinner with candles and dressed up and you didn’t notice.” Steve gapes at him, clearly thinking back as Bucky continues, “After that, I felt like I was blocked in a way, couldn’t just come and say it. And sometimes I thought you saw me the same way and didn’t say anything either, so I didn’t know what to make of that.”

“Wait, that night was —?” Steve sits for a moment, staring at Bucky before scrambling to his feet. In a moment he’s in front of Bucky, and takes a hold of his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, I should have seen.”

Bucky is left reeling by the sudden closeness, hopeful and yet not quite daring to be sure, but Steve’s hands are warm and steady, gripping almost too hard. Bucky holds on right back. “It’s okay, I should have tried again, not just let it all get out of hand.”

Steve shakes his head. “Guess we’re both kind of idiots, but at least it’s out now.”

“Is it?” Bucky grips even harder at Steve’s hands. “I need you to really say it, you haven’t yet. I don’t want any chance for misunderstanding.”

Steve’s eyes soften, and he steps a bit closer to Bucky. “I love you. I really, really do.”

It’s an overwhelming flood of warmth inside Bucky, sheer relief at the words. And of course Steve went all in, didn’t say he liked or cared for Bucky, but that he loved him. Loves him. It’s evident now that Bucky dares to look.

“I —” Bucky pauses, and for a second he’s terrified that he can’t actually say it back, that he asked for words and he can respond the way Steve deserves, can’t let the truth out. Steve lets go of one hand and cups Bucky’s neck, and it grounds him, makes the storm inside him calm down. Bucky grips a hold of the hem of Steve’s shirt with his free hand. “I love you too.” It’s barely a whisper, but he manages it, and Steve smiles, all the lines smoothing away from his face.

“I did before too,” Steve says. “Before the war.”

“I knew. I mean, I wasn’t sure, but thought it was like that. And, I didn’t, not back then.” Steve draws a shaky breath, and Bucky hurries to continue. “I’m sorry.”

“God, Bucky, don’t apologize for how you felt. And it’s fine, you do now, that’s more than enough. Besides, I don’t think it would have made anything better if it had been both of us back then.”

“I don’t know. Maybe not.”

“I did my best to get over it, and I did, really. When you left for the war I was in a place where you were my friend and that was it. I thought so anyway. I don’t know. Now that we’re here, it has come back, or I’ve let myself feel it again, and it’s so much more than it ever was.”

“I’m glad we can, now,” Bucky says.

“Yeah, definitely.”

They stand for a moment, staring at each other, until Bucky decides they might as well clear the last thing away too.

“Natasha said earlier today that I should tell you, because you’re thinking that your job is too intense, that there’s no time. But I don’t think so.”

Steve lets out a long exhale. “She’s right about that. That’s why I didn’t say anything to you. But now I think it was just an excuse really, I was giving myself an out, and not risking anything. And I’m not proud of that.”

“I worry about you,” Bucky confesses, the way he hasn’t fully dared before. “I know you can handle a lot, but not indefinitely, and you’re getting to the end of your rope.”

Steve looks down. “What should I do? What do you want me to do?”

“I’m not asking you to give it up. I know you don’t want to, and you don’t need to. But maybe you could just distribute the load a bit, so that you’ll have time to do other things besides work.” Bucky grins then, inspired. “I can think of some ways to make it worth your while.”

Steve smiles again, soft. “Yeah, I can try and do that. I want to. And it’ll stop Sam from lecturing at me, so there’s that.”

Bucky pulls Steve closer then, his hesitation completely gone now, and brushes their lips together. It turns into a real kiss with Steve firming his hold at the back of Bucky’s neck and opening his mouth. It’s the easiest thing in the world, and yet the most exhilarating too, as if electricity zapping up his spine, and Bucky pulls Steve flush against his body, wanting to feel every inch of him. His cock is taking interest, and Bucky suspects this might devolve into a frenzy any second, except the kiss is broken by Steve yawning right at his face.

If it was anyone else, Bucky would take it personally, but now he just dissolves into a fit of laughter. He knows Steve is tired, chronically so these days, and it’s late already. It’s still funny, and Steve buries his face to Bucky’s neck, probably mortified, apologizing against his skin. Bucky rubs his hand up and down Steve’s back, not at all upset, and then pulls away.

“Get in bed, we can resume this in the morning.”

Steve holds onto his hand, hasn’t let go once since he first grabbed it. “Are you coming too?”

“Yeah, in a moment.”

Bucky goes to change into his pajama pants, considers a shirt and then shrugs, he never sleeps with one anyway, so Steve should get used to it straight away. He brushes his teeth and washes his face before heading to Steve’s room.

Steve is already in bed, and he has turned down the covers on the other side. He crowds right into Bucky when he gets in, and for a few minutes they just lie there, relaxed and comfortable, for all that arousal is still coursing through Bucky’s body. Steve is warm and solid next to him, and Bucky never wants to move. Not until Steve tugs him into another kiss, slow and sweet. 

They end up giving each other hand jobs, kissing all the while, keeping the pace lazy. When they’ve cleaned each other up with Steve’s shirt, they curl around each other, sleep just around corner. The last thought Bucky has before falling asleep, Steve already dreaming next to him, his face pressed against Bucky’s throat, is that there’ll be hell to pay if they get a call out the next day. He’ll be mad enough that a whole alien army would be in trouble.

Turns out there are no world threatening catastrophes the next day, and not even the whole month after. It’s remarkably quiet, and they use the time well to reorganize their lives. Steve’s workload becomes more reasonable, his sketchbooks migrate back to the room with better light, and they cook together more often than not. They start planning on how to rearrange their apartments, since they now live together for real, so their space should reflect it too. It takes a while for the renovations to happen, because after the quiet month there’s an influx of HYDRA activity, but they stick together as they’ve always done, and in the end Avengers prevail, and they resume the normal rhythm of their lives.

It’s then that Bucky finally starts to think of their apartment as home, and it’s the first time since before the war he’s had one. He thinks it’s the same for Steve too. It’s been a long journey, a hard one, but everything is good now, and Bucky knows he’ll do anything he can to protect it.

**Author's Note:**

> This came kind of out of nowhere, just popped into my head when I had intended to write completely different things. It was fun though, especially the fake dating scenario where on one hand Bucky ends up kind of playing himself, but it all worked out in the end, obviously.
> 
> I'm also on [tumblr](http://stellahibernis.tumblr.com/)


End file.
